My decision to abort - Part 1

I never thought I'd be in this position. I always thought I'd be in a loving relationship finding out one of the greatest pieces of news in my life - that I was expecting. But my life is far from anything I pictured it to be.

After condom failure and morning after pill failure, I waited for my period thinking it was late due to the side effects of pumping strong hormones into myself. Then it became a little too late so I decided to take a test... Two tests to be exact. Within 10 seconds of peeing on that stick, it changed to show I was pregnant. I was in shock. I started to cry and ask myself "what am I going to do?".

My immediate response was  to tell myself I have to get rid of it because I wasn't ready. My best friend rang me to make sure I calmed down. I rang my mum and she told me to do the right thing. And on that initial night of finding out, I was adamant abortion was the way to go.

You see, I always had this belief that if I ever had to face this decision, that I would have a partner and this decision would be easy. I am not with the father, he does not want to be with me and doesnt want a child. I also believe that something out there gave me this gift or opportunity and if I terminate, I'm setting myself up for some bad karma later on in life because if I ever tried for a child one day in the future, I screwed up my chances because I basically shat all over this opportunity I was given. Now, no one can say for sure that this is how it works but this is what I believe.

So for the past 5 or so days I've been battling with the decision to keep this baby or to abort. It's been an emotional roller coaster. I thought I'd make a good mum and I could do it. Lots of logic came up with costs of living and being a single mum. Then I thought about all the things I want to do in life that doesn't involve a family and I haven't achieved all of them yet. So many things to weigh up. So much advice given. People saying only I know what's best.

I don't know what's the right decision. My mind is plagued with what if I make the wrong decision and it's not so much of regret as it is no matter what decision I make, I have to live with asking myself "what if?". What if I had chose the other decision. It's been 50/50 most of the time but I made the decision for abortion. What clarified this was a few things:

1/ I cry myself to sleep because I don't want to do this alone and I wish someone could just hold me and comfort me

2/ I woke up one morning with my changing body thinking "I can't do this". Again, not wanting to do this alone

3/ I haven't finished discovering myself to know who I really am, which means I have to put that on hold if I were to bring a child into this world.

So here I am - documenting the journey as I struggle with the hugest decision I've ever had to make in my life and the impacts I have to live with