How am I feeling?

Don't you just hate when you think you've saved your draft and when you go back, it just decides to erase itself? Why?!? I just hit save, then came back to nothing! Nothing! Gah! Going off memory, I first started with - hi, how are you? I've been great. I caught up with old friends and met some new ones. Once again, I learned some things about myself. But, before I go into that, I want to talk about some things I did. I drank a lot of durian bubble tea - if you haven't had durian, you haven't lived! I watched 5ive in concert - couldn't miss the chance to see my teen heart throbs. Worked, worked, worked - the Perth office is familiar and still new. Ate too much sweet corn tempura and pad Thai. And, I probably drank too much but that doesn't seem like anything new these days. Does this seem interesting? Most likely not, but I thought whoever is reading this might care how much or not much you can do in Perth.

So, things I've learned about myself. Perth comes with good and bad memories. Seeing my ex was alright, I think. I become 50/50 when I see him because most of the time I don't want to see him. It wasn't so bad avoiding each other in social situations - means less drama right? and you keep up appearances. I got told he has a new girlfriend... or did have a new girlfriend so good luck to him. It's good for us to both move on. I learned that people from both Perth and Melbourne rely on me. I didn't think my presence makes a difference. People rely on me for all sorts of support so it's nice that both sides see this and speak out how much they need me. It's like I'm torn between 2 places but at the same time I'm not. Perth had me for a good portion of my life so Melbourne wins this round. It's really nice knowing that people love me as much as they do. Gives meaning to your life.

Apart from this, I realised when you have feelings, it gives you validation that you're alive. And, I don't mean you're just another living and breathing entity. What I mean is: that feeling you get when you're buzzing from all these experiences that make life worth living. I got to actually "feel" on this Perth trip and it makes me feel good about myself. What triggered these feelings? Yes, it was a guy. Nothing will ever happen with him because he's taken but it was pleasant to lust. I haven't fully lusted in awhile so I liked the way he made me feel despite age differences. He knows that I am crushing on him and even though he knew, he still wanted to be friends. I was pleasantly surprised by this. Why? Because 1/ I always have a fear when you hit on people at work it becomes sexual harassment and 2/ sometimes when interests are known and not reciprocated, the relationship goes weird. It was definitely nice to know that he could see past it and still establish a friendship. I wouldn't ever try anything because I am respectful in that regard. Plus, we didn't really have a friendship prior. It was more so, me having total physical attraction and me telling him he was hot before any more conversation happened. I think quite a few people know but,I don't actually care because I'm more excited to have feelings flowing through me, than worrying about what people are saying. What I will actually miss, is having someone like him to hang out with. Even though it was a short time I had, it lead to other friendships being established. Good things can happen if you let them! Why am I sharing this? Because its 1/ good to have feelings and 2/ good to put yourself out there and take a risk. What's the worst that can happen really?

Moving on to what has been said to me recently. So my friend/s tells me everyone loves me because I'm hot. Don't even know what that means but I wanted to analyse this or rather so, share my thoughts on this. I have never been "hot". What do I mean by this? I never had guys chasing after me. I never got complimented on looks by men. I was never someone that a man would look twice at or even once. I have been called ugly to my face and that shit scars. I am grateful that I have overcome my self esteem and confidence issues and learned to love myself. When people say I'm hot, I don't know how to deal with this. Most people would buzz (I imagine) but I don't know how to take it. It's definitely not something I am used to. I don't understand it because I've never had it happen to me before - the attention. I know, I know - I should be so lucky but I honestly don't know what to do with such compliments. Usually I just laugh it off because I have always had a mentality of why would someone say that to me? I need to embrace this but at the same time, I don't just want to be a pretty face because I actually have substance. Also, I'm pretty sure people don't love me just because I'm "hot". And who are these people? They don't make themselves known. I have been getting called "hot" by friends and guys from dating websites. Yes, I joined dating websites and I don't go on there fishing for compliments. It's to get myself out there - more on this later. I wouldn't want to just known as being hot - I'd want people to get to know me. I need to lavish more into the attention - I think. New learning experience.

Sooooooooo, dating websites. Besides using meetup.com as a way to meet new people, I joined dating websites because I thought I should start dating. I am still unsure about this. Why? Because I have never dated in my life. I was with the same person for nearly 10 years. I wouldn't even know what to do on a date but I am willing to try. It's a bit scary and exciting at the same time. I don't think I will have trouble getting along with people but its whether or not the physical attraction will be there. I'll blog about my experiences. I have no doubt there will be some interesting moments. I find a lot of the guys just want sex and that's fine because that's fun and all but I am still unsure what I want. I know I "need" to have fun but at the same time I think about my age and the future I want. Also, having Asian skin makes me look younger than my age, so naturally I attract a lot more younger guys. People guess I'm 23 -25 all the time. I am 29. I hope I have enough eggs. I keep changing my mind a lot on what I want. I've been chatting to one guy who I get along with really well but at the same time is good looking. I think he's 24 or 25 but won't be in the country much longer. Not sure what will happen there. I also want to add that I have the worst luck with whom I like. Most of the time they are taken and rightfully so, because if I think they are lovely, of course someone else would think the same and have snatched them up. Ok, I don't believe in luck but I think it's just bad timing. I really do have the worst timing.

Well that's it for now. I keep getting distracted by the TV show Cult which is playing in the background and now I am intrigued.

As always, thanks for stopping by. You gained a little insight to what's happened the past month. So, how am I feeling? I "feel" lustful and fulfilled. Fulfilled in the sense that I am always learning.

LL