Stuck Memories

Photo by Joshua Earle on Unsplash

I hope I didn't upset my mum yesterday. I told her something upsetting that impacted me from when I was 15. As I’m going through my journey, I’m finding that stuff is starting to resurface, sometimes out of nowhere.

When I was 15 my mum’s boyfriend Steve at the time basically said the reason I didn’t have a boyfriend was because I was a loser. I remember my mum making me speak to him on the phone for some reason, maybe to get to know each other, and then he said that, I then went to my room and cried for ages. I never told my mum… until yesterday. I believe the reason why I didn’t tell her was because I didn’t want to destroy her happiness. Funny, how we keep things like this to ourselves.

This memory came out of nowhere. I’m not sure what I was thinking about at the time, but I feel like it is part of this clearing course and spirituality course that I am undertaking. You know what’s shit? I have a real complex around my own confidence and self-esteem with a lot of issues stemming from people cutting me down when I was younger – whether that be my dad, my so called friends at the time or bullies. I am quite a confident person now, but I know, memories such as this one really plague my subconscious. Sometimes I am crippled by these memories of being called a loser, being called ugly, feeling worthless…. I mean, who wouldn’t be?

This resurfaced for a reason… And yet, I’m puzzled as to why. I haven’t actually thought about that particular memory for some time, in fact I would have thought I had forgotten about it. I thought I should tell my mother this memory and that Steve was not good for her. What I do feel is compassion for Steve. But, why? I think about the person I am now and how I can witness the situation as an observer. I believe he didn’t know how to handle children as he didn’t have any of his own, he was always young at heart – probably having a fun surfing lifestyle with a playboy mentality until the end which means he could potentially end up alone because he didn’t seem like the settling down kind of man. If we’re all about connection, I think if Steve is the way he is, it can lead to such an isolated existence, and to me that’s sad.

Most people would react with “well he’s a loser” but I have to say that he’s not on the same level of thinking as I am right now. I can see through his faults that he might not even recognise and I rise above those faults. Even though what he said was so hurtful at the time, I can see I’m not that scared girl anymore. So if I have to say I release this clutter in my mind, then I release it with compassion.